I'm worn out from a long day's work. The kids are in bed and the house picked up. I put the dishes away and wipe down the counters. My feet are tired and I'm feeling like I'm ready to fall over.
I go upstairs and do the whole ready-for-bed routine. I wearily crawl into bed, kiss Ryan and lie my head down on the pillow. I sigh a very long and dramatic sigh.
And then it starts.
The never-ending list of things I should have done or that I now have to do in the morning. The fact that I forgot to do the last 3 minutes on my exercise video haunts me. I look at the clock. I think, "If I fall asleep NOW I'll still get 7 hours of sleep." And then my mind starts racing. I wrote some down for your enjoyment:
Wedding shower ideas (I'm throwing on May 1st for Ryan's sister), how to get more piano students, how much I REALLY HATE the feel of cottonballs, where in the world is my MP3 player?, did I lock the van?, is there more than one mouse living in our garage, is mice poop deadly to children, I wonder where the rest of Carter's 3T clothes are in the garage, how can I organize the garage better?, I wonder what quote is on Brenda's chain tonight, I wonder how chinese class is going to be for my mom, I wonder how Aimee's Josh is doing, how are Donny's classes going, is Ashley going to need help moving and why hasn't our landlord cashed the rent check yet?, I can't wait for Girls' Camp because I love my Mia Maids so much, but how can I do it with only one car and if we take that time off work, how in the world is Ryan giong to make up the hours and his firm...and on...and on...and on!
This is HONESTLY what I think about. In any given minute.
I look at the clock again. I'm already tossing and turning. I'm waking Ryan up and already had to put Carter back in his bed.
I get up to take Dawson to the bathroom. I crawl back into bed. I've only killed an hour. I need to get to sleep! "If I fell asleep NOW I'd still get 6 hours of sleep." I think to myself.
This will go on for the next few hours. Sometimes I get up and take a bath. I'll nod off in the tub and then get back into bed and...BING! Wide awake.
I've been like this for a year. Official diagnosed as an Insomniac. I know it's normal to have periods of stress and not be able to sleep. But I'm different.
That's great. Add that to the list of problems with my body. It's like my body is saying, "I DARE you to loose your weight!"
It's now 3 am. I get three hours of sleep. I step on the scale and my heart drops. BLAH!!
I'm stuck! I am not trying to excuse my weight for going up 8 pounds over the last 5 weeks, but the combination of medication I'm on and not sleeping makes me HUNGRY. Not hungry...starving. I'm like a puzzle trying to fit the pieces together. I'll get it together. (thankfully some of that is water weight!)
I'm NOT stressed. That's the funny thing. This is life. Balancing being a wife, mom, cook, blah blah blah. I'm just trying to figure it out.
I do deep breathing, hot bubble baths, yoga, stretching, no caffeine past lunchtime, self soothing and even self-hypnosis for helping me relax. I write down all my thoughts before bed to make them get OUT of my head so I can sleep! I'm doing the right stuff!
Stay tuned for more rantings of a walking zombie!
Thanks for letting me vent.